Where Romeo first met Juliet....

There is a city in the world known as the City of Love. There are around 15 other cities around the world named after it because it is so popular - and, I imagine, because it is so full of the one thing everybody has in common; the one thing we all strive to achieve and the one thing we are all so desperate to find.

Love.

When people ask you, "what do you think love is?", how do you answer them? Do you tell them it is a feeling we get when we have met our other half? Do you tell them it's an utter devotion to something you cherish in your life? Or do you tell them that it is an emotion which brings the best out in all of us?

Before coming to this city, I always believed that love was undefinable. There is no way we can describe love or explain it to anyone who hasn't felt it before because, simply, we can't. Everyone, in some way or another, has experienced love. And being here, in the very heart of love's true devotion, anybody can see that. Or rather, anybody can feel it.

Verona captures you the very first moment you enter the city. Residents describe the walls it is surrounded by as their safety net, for outside this walls, nobody is safe and anything can happen. But at the same time, inside them, anything too can also happen.

You feel an enormous amount of safety when you enter this city. It is like the walls not only surround your location but also your heart- and not in a guarded way. Because, at the same time, those same walls provide a key which can open the hardest of hearts.

It becomes apparent that however lonely or in love you may be, Verona offers you her soul and in return, you grant her a fresh wave of hope that you too, like her, will someday find a love that will make not only your heart sing, but hers.

Verona appears incredibly religious. There are crosses everywhere and people praying on the streets in front of life size monuments of worshipped gods and religious icons. And you think that it might be considerably overpowering, if not for the amount of freedom you witness as you turn every corner.

Love is everywhere here. It doesn't matter if you are young and your partner is old, or if you are black and your partner is white. It doesn't matter of you're little kids or the withering elderly. It doesn't matter if you are a boy in love with another boy or if you are a girl in love with another girl. Love is love and it makes the word seem so much more meaningful.

Juliet has her own house here in which you can purchase a padlock and chain it to the gates of her courtyard- directly under her infamous balcony. On this padlock, you write your name and then the name of someone - or something - you love. There are thousands and they all come in different shapes, colours and sizes: just like love; just like our world. It's like locking your love in the place that love was first locked. There is nothing like it and it is beautiful.

So, now, as I make my preparations to leave Verona and journey on in this life, I ask myself the same question I asked when I first entered these walls.

And my answer?

Love.... Well. Love is love.

Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.

Diamonds Are Forever After

For every diamond that dances in your eyes, Brittany, I will share something beautiful that I love about you...

¨       I love the way you always wear a cap.

¨       I love the way you give the people special to you a nickname.

¨       I love the way you talk to animals.

¨       I love the way you look at me when I giggle.

¨       I love the way your nose crinkles up when you frown because someone said something you don’t understand.

¨       I love the way you are fascinated by accents.

¨       I love the way you call people, “Woman.”

¨       I love the way you lean back when you walk, as if simply moving isn’t a big deal for you.

¨       I love the way you get a little closer when you’ve had a beer or two.

¨       I love the way your skin goes from glistening gold to whispering white.

¨       I love the way you lick your lips and swallow so delicately when you wake up in the mornings.

¨       I love the way you have a lopsided grin.

¨       I love the way you smile.

¨       I love the way you tell me you love me.

¨       I love the way you whisper.

¨       I love, love, love the way you whisper.

¨       I love your arms and the way I feel invincible when I’m wrapped up in them.

¨       I love the way you always want to protect me.

¨       I love the thousands of cute noises you make when you’re falling asleep.

¨       I love the way you call me, “your gorgeous baby.”

¨       I love the way your eyes sparkle.

¨       I love the way your hair falls all over your face when you’re trying to get to sleep.

¨       I love the shape of your handwriting.

¨       I love when you speak to me in Afrikaans.

¨       I love how when you’re tired, your eyes droop in some sort of slow motion.

¨       I love the cute little way you talk to my brother.

¨       I love the way you wrap yourself all up in your covers like a Little Caterpillar.

¨       I love the way you laugh.

¨       I love how you always wear a belt with everything.

¨       I love how I cannot stop smiling whilst I’m writing this.

¨       I love the way your legs look when you wear your Sunday pants.

¨       I love the way you mumble absolutely nothing to Meuw-Meuw.

¨       I love the way you whisper sweet nothings to me every single night.

¨       I love how our pillow talk makes me feel like you’re always right next to me.

¨       I love that little “really?” look you give me when you raise your eyebrow and smirk.

¨       I love how you’re not afraid to tell me how you feel.

¨       I love that you can be vulnerable with me.

¨       I love that you are my Prince.

¨       I love that you will also always be my Princess.

¨       I love the way you say, “Oh my God, woman.” (So much.)

¨       I love the colour of your hands.

¨       I love the little Daisy earrings you nearly always wear.

¨       I love how perfect you are.

¨       I love how you always want to wait until we are together to tell me about yourself.

¨       I love how you tell me you want to whisper everything against my lips and into my mouth.

¨       I love that you get on with everybody.

¨       I love the way you can be an absolute bitch and freaking pain in the ass sometimes.

¨       I love that I love you even more for that.

¨       I love that you still watch the Disney channel.

¨       I love that you love Hannah Montana and Selena Gomez.

¨       I love that you drink beer.

¨       I love the way I can be totally stupid with you and how I feel like I can ask you how to open a damn gate.

¨       I love how you would draw little baby smiley faces on my arms and you didn’t even know that’s where my scars are.

¨       I love the way we haven’t been out of a conversation for five months.

¨       I love the way your eyes shine even brighter when you’re under the stars.

¨       I love the way you push your hair back every time you put your cap back on.

¨       I love the way you rest your hand on the gearstick when you’re driving.

¨       I love the way you steal everyone else’s clothes.

¨       I love the way you can read me like a book.

¨       I love how brave you are.

¨       I love how strong you are.

¨       I love that you know you don’t have to be strong with me – or for me. (It’s just you who makes me strong.)

¨       I love the way you tell me I can be anything I want to be.

¨       I love how beautiful you look in the mornings.

¨       I love your little daydreams.

¨       I love how every time I look at your chest I have to physically hold back from groaning. (This is a daily battle.)

¨       I love the way you say ‘millions’.

¨       I love how I make you speechless.

¨       I love how you make me speechless.

¨       I love the way you talk to Joshi.

¨       I love the ‘way’ you spell ‘why’.

¨       I love the way you hugged me the morning we said goodbye.

¨       I love how you don’t try to understand, you just accept me.

¨       I love the way you talk about your dad.

¨       I love the way you talk about your memories.

¨       I love how you put stars after you’ve said something sappy**

¨       I love that you love making me feel good.

¨       I love that even though I have big dreams, you still dream with me.

¨       I love the way you drive with just your left hand.

¨       I love how you are absolutely terrified of bugs.

¨       I love how you are the neatest person ever.

¨       I love the way you are one of the very few people that live every day like it’s your last.

¨       I love how you sometimes get mixed up with your words.

¨       I love how brilliant you are at speaking English.

¨       I love that you spend hours watching series after series on your laptop.

¨       I love how insanely awesome you are at your job.

¨       I love the way you swing your legs when you sit on the food prep counter.

¨       I love how when you smile, your right eye crinkles in the corner just the tiniest bit.

¨       I love that you have a crazy amount of hoodies.

¨       I love your little sock marks.

¨       In fact, I love all your different tan lines.

¨       I love the way you stick your hands in your pockets when you’re standing around.

¨       I love the way you concentrate so hard when you’re pouring Springbok Shots.

¨       I love the way you keep your eyes on me when you take a sip of your beer.

¨       I love the way you chew your earphones.

¨       I love the way you snuggle with Cubby.

¨       I love the way you stare at me.

¨       I love how cold your feet get. (but I love even more how I’m gonna warm them up one day).

¨       I love the way you want to know everything about me.

¨       I love how you always ask me for songs on my iPod.

¨       I love how you remembered when the last night of my show was.

¨       I love how much you love Avril Lavigne.

¨       I love the way you say “hello” when you’re talking to the baboons.

¨       I love how big and beautiful your eyes are.

¨       I love all the different shorts you wear.

¨       I love your little pink sunglasses, with the tiny flowers on.

¨       I love how I’m gonna be able to big spoon you one day.

¨       I love the way your hair looks when you’ve had a shower. (so hot).

¨       I love the gorgeous, soft, nude colour of your lips. (my absolute favourite).

¨       I love all the little freckles scattered all over your cute little nose.

¨       I love the way you say my name.

¨       I love how far we’ve come, even though it doesn’t feel that far at all.

¨       I love how I completely believe you and I together are written in the stars.

¨       I love how absolutely madly in love with each other we are.

¨       Baby.... I just love you.

¨       So much.

¨       So, so, so much.

¨       More than I think I will ever be able to tell you.

¨       I love you.

There are only 120 things I love about you written here.

There are thousands more.

And there are thousands more diamonds in your eyes.

But one day, when you’re with me, I will hide every single reason absolutely anywhere and everywhere, all over this beautifully broken world, for you to find and for you to keep.

I hope you’ll keep finding them after Forever, my baby girl.

Ek wil eerder vlieg as val

My first ever post on this blog was a year ago, in March. I talked about the Tsunami in Japan and how it affected the people who lived there. I talked about the kinds of emotions they must be feeling and how things like that cannot be contained. I expressed the desire to help the more unfortunate and to not take everything for granted anymore.

And a year on? Maybe I've helped a little bit.

I never posted again on this blog after June last year because I fell into that dark place again. I fell, again, and however much I'd love to say I hated every moment, I can't because that would not be the truth. Well. Yes, it would, but not in the sense I mean. If I had not fallen once again, I would not have reacted in the way I always used to react. And if I had not reacted in that way, I would not have sparked something in my mother to get me to change that reaction. And if my mother had not done what she did, I would never have had the best month of my entire life so far.

I hurt really badly pre-summer last year. And at the same time as feeling terrible and having no answers, I constantly reminded myself that I had absolutely no reason to feel that way. That somewhere in the world, someone else was suffering far, far worse than I ever would. And after listening to what my mother had to say and upon realising exactly this, I set out on a journey I will never forget.

No, I did not refer myself to some celebrity-ridden and clinical rehab centre in the middle of the English countryside. Although, you could call the place I went to just that - minus the celebrities and minus the frustratingly robotic professional therapists. No.

I was shipped off to Africa. Namibia to be precise. And it is there where I learnt to fly again.

You may think that all this sentimental shizzle is overrated and equally dumb but I cannot imagine my life without spending those precious four weeks in Africa. It was life-changing and I know that many, many people say that, but it was. And not just because I came home a different person - I did - but that's not the point. The point is that I didn't just change my own life; I changed other people's.

And the occasional animal's.

Four weeks it took. Four weeks for me to find my wings again. As I have always said throughout the duration of my short-lived life, the one thing that gives people the most important courage to transfer from one moment to the next, is love. I cannot stress that enough. And from my trip to Africa, I came home with so much of the damn thing, that I had no idea where to place it all. Where to pour it so I felt full for as long as I possibly could. But I needn't have worried about that because the people I met and the animals I befriended just splashed it all over me, throwing caution to the wind and drowning me in it. Drowning me in love.

I didn't think it was possible to drown in love.

It is.

I met people in Africa. I fell in love. And as I have stated before on this little blog that really is just one yellow taxi amongst the ocean of them in New York City, my dream is to fall in love. I think that once I have, I will be halfway towards the success that I personally wish to achieve. And, I guess, I have. I have made it halfway there.

But there is so much more to go.

There was this girl in Africa. Actually, there were several girls and they are all incredibly special and they all taught me so many different things. But there is one who stands out. Because there is one who just saw me without even having to look. She didn't even need to look past the bad because she didn't even see it. She just saw the good and told me she didn't even know about the bad. When I told her about the darkness I had been surrounded by for nearly three years, she was shocked. Most people nod their heads in understanding because they can see my pain or they have been through it too; they have their own darkness in which they are trying to escape. But with this girl? She was genuinely shocked. She kept saying how can someone with the biggest smile and most majestic eyes want to do the things to themselves that they have done?

And she put it so simply. Because yes, I was my own worst enemy. I was standing in the way of myself for the whole three years of darkness, and even though there were things that I felt out of control of, it was always me that was letting them be that way. And I didn't see that until she said it to me straight out.

Everyone always likes to think that when they meet someone, however hard you try and paint on this fake smile and forced laughter to convince them you are perfectly okay, that they see right through you and naturally understand that it is all an act. Because underneath it all, when everything is stripped back and taken away, it is only yourself who you are trying to convince.

And I've spent three years trying to convince myself I'm okay. And that's what the darkness was.Or maybe still is a little bit.

I've always told myself and everyone else that its okay not to be okay. And I still stand by that. It is. We cannot be consistently strong forever. But being lost in the darkness and being lost in yourself are two totally different things. And I think that we mix them up too easily.

I met this girl, and she taught me how to fly again. She taught me how to love (even though I still have absolutely no idea) and she taught me how to laugh properly again. How to emit a real laugh. And now I see that you do only live once. Why waste it? Live like there's no tomorrow, anything's possible and all those life philosophies that get thrown about so easily to us!

N/aan Ku Se Wildlife Sanctuary was this place where all the people I met and myself could live again. We could breathe. We could escape these lives that had somehow got lost along the way and we could bring ourselves back to ourselves. It was like one big collision with myself and I cannot change that for anything.

I'm still not better. I'm still not happy.

But I'm okay. And for now, that's more than enough.